Hi Universe, Are You Punishing Me?

Two days ago, everything hit at the same time. Construction noise in front of my new place. Bills from somewhere I used to live catching up with me. Clients not answering for days. And I spiraled... Deeply spiraled.

It was the peak of a process that started a month ago, the weekend before Dino passed away: I got the yes on my first big client, I had a discovery call scheduled for another lead, I was being hit with letting go of my old apartment in DR and I had to sell my belongings for scraps, Dino didn't feel like eating that Friday so I rushed to uber him his favorite greek yogurt to accompany his rice and lamb portion of the day. The next Monday he just didn't wake up. Everything was changing way too fast for me to process it.

Now that I have moved apartments to my favorite neighborhood to try to reset my brain back to my goals and away from the grief. Now that I am finally here, a few things are happening and I am feeling like perhaps the Universe is punishing me for wanting too much? I have clients, I live in a foreign country, in my favorite city, in the neighborhood that taught me about authenticity and rebirth. So why is my brain going straight to: what am I going to lose now?

Why do unanswered messages trigger such a spiral?

One text without a response. And suddenly I wasn't thinking "oh, they're busy." I was thinking "they're leaving me. I'm going to lose everything."

Not just the client.

Not just the income.

Everything.

My apartment.

The version of myself I am building.

The life that finally feels like mine.

I texted my bestie and said: "Maybe I am just meant to be here for another month and then go home". One unanswered message became proof that I don't deserve this.

I learned it's called a scarcity spiral. My nervous system trying to protect me by going back to what it knows, even if what it knows is smaller.

It's not really about the money

When I lost Dino last month, I hadn't realize how much he structured my entire existence until he was gone. I am not so goal focused as I thought. I am mainly someone who held on to the same excuses and processes to justify the way she's overworking herself for any reasons but herself.

Now that he's not here, I need something else to prove I'm necessary. So I pour myself into client work. I over-deliver. I manage their visions like they're my own. Because if I'm useful to them, then I still matter. But what happens when you give everything to people, regardless of whether they're ready for it? Why do I do this? Why do I stay so focused on someone else's brand visibility while I'm invisible on my own? What am I protecting myself from by staying useful instead of being visible?

How much of my energy am I pouring into projects and people that don't work with me?

So after a few hours into my spiral... Make it around 32 hours. I sat with my computer in hand, started to create things, to read about scarcity, to journal and then I understood.

I prefer to be useful, than to be bold. So I pour myself into other people's projects because it sounds better than admitting that I am ambitious. I keep waiting, hoping and pouring my energy because it sounds better than saying:'I can't continue to work at this speed'.

Then weeks or months have passed and I realize I'm resenting myself for not getting the Nobel Prize to Creativity. Not them. Me. Because I already knew my presence wasn't shifting anything, and I kept pouring anyway. I kept hoping that if I just gave more, tried harder, showed up better, something would change. It didn't. And the resentment I'm carrying isn't about them not appreciating me. It's about me choosing to stay in situations where I was never going to be enough.

At 41, why does wanting a good life feel like asking for too much?

Reanalyzing my question to the universe on Monday, I think about why do I feel I am being punished when most people go through worst things everyday? There is a senseless war happening. I have so many tools at my disposal right now and I am purposefully blocking myself from doing more for myself because of my "sacrifice to others". What if instead of over-pouring I start facing the tension of having to hold these experiences without doing more?

What if I am the one replying late because I am doing what is best for myself?

What if take the extra I lay on everyone else's things and just pour it on I Got Creative?

What if for once I start placing my goals as the center without any bigger reason aside from:" That's what I want".

Weeks ago someone asked me about my plans for the rest of the year. When I answered without skipping a beat:" Build my business and travel to Ecuador, Brazil and Uruguay" he answered:"Oh but aren't you 41? Don't you want to get married?" My body got cold and thought:" Wait, am I wrong for thinking this way?" I covered my surprise and answered my usual:"I have goals and they have always driven me" then he said:"How cute! You act like you are still 17"... Mind you, I didn't reply back but instead went back and sat on my chair to boil in silence.

Yes, at 40, I finally got the space to build something that feels like mine and instead of thinking: "Maybe I don't deserve this. Maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe I should go back." What if should keep going? What if I hold the tension? What if I post this blog anyways?

If everything is forcing an upgrade at once, what am I being redirected towards?

The level you want now requires a different kind of work. Not more effort. More exposure.

Not more hustle. More visibility. More asking. More risking a no.

Am I contacting people? Am I co-pitching? Or am I just doing a lot of steps towards something that won't give me results because I wanna seem busy? I know the difference between being productive and being visible. One feels safe. One feels exposed. I've been choosing safe.

I've been creating, organizing, refining, thinking. All the things that feel like work. But the things that actually move the needle: reaching out, pitching, asking, being seen, risking rejection, those are the things I've been avoiding.

Those things cost me something. They require me to stop hiding behind being a helper or an adapter. They require me to just be visible as myself. And that's vulnerable in a way I haven't learned to be yet.

Is the universe punishing me, or is it just saying "this way doesn't work anymore"?

Everything I was trying to keep together started to fail at once. Decisions I delayed. Clients who were never right for me. Visibility I kept avoiding. The structure I was waiting for my dog to provide, when really I needed to build it myself.

It looks like punishment. Multiple losses hitting at the same time. Financial hits. Unanswered messages. Everything I feared. But when I talked it through, I realized something: "The things that don't match where you're going are becoming uncomfortable to keep. That's it."

Not punishment. Redirection.

The universe isn't telling me I want too much. It is telling me the way I've been operating doesn't work anymore. Keeping the peace. Waiting for responses. Adjusting to other people's timelines. Over-giving to people who can't show up. Avoiding visibility because it feels safer to be small. Believing my worth is determined by whether people stay with me.

That way doesn't work when you're trying to build a real life and a real business. That way doesn't work when you're trying to live as yourself instead of as a helper or adapter. That way doesn't work when you're 41 and you finally acknowledge you deserve the podium.

Did I ever do enough? Or do I do too much in the wrong situations?

I think the answer is both. I've never done enough for myself. I've never asked for enough, or been visible enough, or taken up enough space. But I've also done too much for people who couldn't meet me halfway. I've given everything to people who don't do their part. I've structured my entire existence around being useful to others who didn't support me the way I needed to be supported.

The redirect isn't about doing more. It's about redirecting the energy. It's about doing less for the wrong people so I can do the right things for myself. It's about finally understanding that being quiet and adapting and managing other people's comfort is only keeping me small and resentful.

So what am I moving toward instead? Visibility. Asking for what I need. Pouring into my own work the way I've been pouring into everyone else's. Showing up for myself like my life depends on it: because it does.

And I'm not apologizing for that anymore.